One of the most frightening things as a parent is raising children who cannot start growing on their own. I hope that by 26, three years after college to find their footing, they will be able to make a living without my money. If they can’t, I’m afraid I’ll feel like I’ve failed as a father.
So I was impressed when another writer, Allison Raskin, wrote a Substack article about an inferiority complex from being dependent on her father for money at the age of 37. She feels guilty that her father pays her child care expenses and allows her, her husband, and their newborn baby to live rent-free in the house he owns. Naturally, he wonders if he is a “real adult”.
As a financial writer since 2009 with an emphasis on achieving financial freedom sooner rather than later (FIRE), my first reaction was that it is difficult to seek real age in such a situation. It still depends on your parents after 25 years, let alone 37 years, it seems too long in the tooth.
At age 37, I had just retired three years after grinding it out on Wall Street for 13 years, got my part-time MBA, and saved most of my salary. I did not have the right to rely on my parents financially because they were not rich as government employees. So, I had to rely on myself.
What about the husband?
I was not jealous of Allison’s situation. I was sad. Because there is something deeply satisfying about doing it alone. Even if you had to share a studio apartment for years and work 14-hour days in part to get to a free restaurant, in retrospect, the sacrifice was worth it.
If you are still relying on your parents to pay your basic bills when you are 37, and your family, how is that different from being a child under 18? Maybe Allison isn’t a star-crossed adult. He is old and still learning.
Then I wondered about her husband. I know it has become common for a woman to be the breadwinner. It is very common to see a man say FIRE while his wife is working and providing. But that doesn’t seem to be the case. None of them are burdened. So do you live with another man who supports his wife and child?
Maybe I’m too old for school, but I would feel uncomfortable if another man was paying my family’s bills, especially after 30 years. I don’t want to be indebted to my father-in-law every time we sit down for Thanksgiving dinner. But maybe this is a cultural change I missed.
It’s OK to Get used to Privilege
Despite these thoughts, more power to Allison and her husband for having a parent who is willing and able to support their lives. Goodness knows it’s expensive to buy a house in LA and raise a family.
When I started thinking about Allison’s father figure, my approach to describing a real adult softened. If I have the money to help my two children grow up, I will, as long as they are good people. It’s a bad idea to die and leave a legacy to your 50+ year olds when your money can help them so much when they’re just starting out.
Admittedly, providing for your children 15 years after graduating from college seems overwhelming. And I would probably sit down with my son-in-law, a leather belt with a big belt on the side table, as I asked him why he didn’t grind hard to support his family. But still, I could help my children financially if they were struggling.
Setting an Example by Paying for Expensive College
Allison attended the University of Southern California, one of the most expensive private universities in the country. Today, the total cost of attending USC is over $100,000 a year. If you attend such a school and your parents pay for everything, you are obviously well off. It is understandable to get used to wealth and privilege when many of your classmates are wealthy.
He then attended Pepperdine University, an equally expensive private college, for a Masters in Psychology. The right is inclusive.
I have thought about this situation for my children because it will be next to impossible for them to get into a 25 university given today’s intense competition and ID roulette. But now that USC is firmly in the top 25, I’d probably pay full price for any kid to attend.
I know I will feel it badly spending a lot of money on education when everything can be learned online for free. After all, I have been writing for free to help people build wealth since 2009. But I doubt that I will be able to deny my children’s dreams in order to save money when the time comes.
That’s What 529 Plans Are For
Providing educational opportunities is the main reason we fund two 529 plans when each of our children is born. Each program has grown to more than $450,000, with nine and twelve years to go before college.
Maybe there will be enough left over after four years at an expensive school like USC to fund another year to three at an expensive school like Pepperdine for a Master’s degree.
I have already subtracted the amounts of both 529 plans from my net worth calculations. So if there is any money left, I will use the funds for the purposes of passing on wealth to my future grandchildren. I prefer gift education to money.
It’s Hard to Make Money in the Arts
As the author of three books so far, with a fourth on the way Your Kids Will Be OKI understand how difficult it is to make a living as a writer. I write because I like to play. But there’s no way in hell I could support my family of four on my writer’s income alone.
The top 1% book development starts at $250,000. It sounds good until you realize it’s paid off over two or three years, which means $83,333 to $125,000 a year before taxes and agent fees. And most books don’t sell enough copies to make a profit in advance. Even if they do, the author only earns about $1 to $3 per book in royalties.
Allison is a NY Times bestselling author, podcaster, screenwriter, and freelance writer. However, she and her husband still they cannot take care of their children and a single-family home. Don’t take my word for it how hard it is to earn a living as a creative. Allison is proof.
Let’s not crush the creation of our children
But here is the funny and sad part. Many children grow up to love writing, drawing, singing, acting and dancing. Due to the high cost of living, many are forced to study the working fields in order to earn a living.
Ultimately, the creativity we all had as children is affected by the need for money. Our souls are slowly disappearing as we work jobs we don’t like, because of society’s expectations or the need to pay bills.
FIRE solves this problem by giving your soul a chance to grow again after leaving a job you despised.
Part of having wealth, as Allison’s dad certainly did, is keeping our kids from pursuing soul-sucking careers they’re not passionate about. If they want to go to an expensive school like USC in order to excel in one of the highest paying professions, screenwriting, so be it. Because when our children are happy, we parents are happy.
It’s OK to Be a Financially Dependent Senior
Part of me still understands that the villagers are carrying pitchforks. Being 37 years old and dependent on your parents when you have a functioning brain and body is beneath your self-esteem. And Allison can’t help it that she was born into a rich family with a father who wants to support her.
But the father in me cannot fully condemn a situation that I might happily support myself one day. Otherwise, that would be hypocrisy. I love my daughter so much that I fear I will ruin her by agreeing to pay for expensive private universities and support her after her degree returns a low ROI.
So for the Allisons in their 30s and 40s who still depend on their parents for survival, I say that’s fine. You are old, especially if you have children and keep them alive, safe, and loved. As long as your financial needs don’t jeopardize your parents’ retirement, you’re good to go.
And for the partners and husbands of the Allisons of the world who can’t make enough to support your family, that’s okay too. In today’s society, one of the most volatile things a man can have is a working wife who supports the family.
It’s an equally impressive change to have rich in-laws so it’s up to you to do it. Embrace the privilege and pursue a career that is meaningful to you. If you can’t support your wife and children financially, you can always give more of your time.
Financial Independence Should Still Be The Goal
Yes, we still have to encourage our daughters to be financially independent from their husbands or partners, as divorces happen all the time. Being financially dependent on anyone as an adult is not comfortable. But if your parents are rich enough to buy you all the expensive things in life, accept their generosity graciously.
You can easily reduce guilt and feelings of inferiority by not wasting your privilege. Every extra hour you commit to your craft, and every new person you please, help, or inspire, will make you and your parents proud. But if you know you have to do more and you don’t have support, that guilt will naturally grow and grow.
I don’t want my older children, or my future son-in-law and daughter-in-law, to feel like a failure if they can’t fully support themselves despite trying so hard. The world is more competitive than ever, and effort doesn’t always translate into income. If they work hard at their craft, raise their children well, and give something back to the world, the Bank of Mom and Dad will stay open.
No Wandering If You Are Still Dependent On Your Parents As An Adult
But here’s the catch. If I ever catch them playing tennis at the club at 10am on a Tuesday, then having brunch with friends until 2pm instead of producing anything of value, they are cut off. Privilege is rocket fuel, not a hammock. The moment you treat it like a life instead of a launchpad is when you stop being worthy.
So enjoy your parents’ generosity if you are lucky enough to have it. Just make sure you do something about it. Take money if you have to. But if you take money without producing anything, you are not a dependent adult. He’s just an expensive kid.
And if that stings a little, great. You should. Now go produce something.
Student Questions and Suggestions
Readers, can you be considered a real adult if you are still financially dependent on your parents? At what age should parental support end, if at all? And if you are a parent, how willing are you to support your grown children?
If you’re wondering how to raise financially independent children in an increasingly uncertain world, pick up a copy of my USA Today bestseller. Millionaire Milestones: Easy Steps in Seven Figuresand stay tuned for my upcoming book, Your Kids Will Be OK: Helping Them Navigate an Uncertain Future, where I answer these questions as a full-time father of two.
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