Overview:
A veteran elementary teacher tells how she helped two students bond in a special friendship by challenging her entire class to expand their social circles—and says adults should do the same.
Last winter, I noticed that two students in my room – who used to play together a lot, had a lot of fun – were showing outward signs of being frustrated with each other during recess. Teachers and families alike can attest to the pandemic’s inevitable impact on students’ social skills and social habits, regardless of where they went to school or how old they were.
I have been an elementary school teacher for over thirty years, teaching all grades from 1 to 5 for the past 34 years. One of the softest, yet most important skills that teachers develop over time is how to “read the room” to see what students need, in order to help students improve both academically and socially. I learned this important skill from my coaching colleagues, watching them make this growth happen in children while these experienced teachers are on the playground, in the classroom, or at the door of the cafeteria. Now, as a “grey old teacher,” I am very grateful for these many lessons, taught to me by the strong women who paved the way before me.
While we teachers have been working overtime to provide learning and emotional support to the community over the past few years, students have been doing their part by working hard to practice their social skills. But sometimes, students – like the rest of us – need help when it comes to sticking to society.
Therefore, one morning after this slight separation had become apparent to me on the outside, I made myself more accessible by sitting quietly with one of the two students who looked depressed. I commented on the weather, and asked him about his weekend. Then I said, “You know, I’m surprised I didn’t see you playing with Anonymous Student today, I had to wipe my glasses and look twice when I saw you here on the bench.” My tired student looked at the grass. Then I asked a curious question, a secret tool every teacher has in their toolbox: “So how are things going?”
The girl seemed to take a deep breath and let it out. I saw him cry a little, but then he got stronger. “Mrs. Murphy,” he said in a low voice. “I love The Unknown Reader, but lately I’ve been feeling like he’s a ‘friend’.
“Tell me more,” I said, leaning in to show that I was listening to the sentences that were yet to come, even though I could predict them with 100 percent accuracy. My loyal reader told me a familiar story. Girl meets girl, and they become fast friends. Special friends. Accidentally at first, but then, proudly. After a while, one girl decides she’d like to invite another girl into the mix, but the second girl wants Special Rights to her friendship, and stuff. Chaos ensues. Without a little involvement from the teachers, the curtain of friendship might fall in a heap, leaving two unhappy characters with no roles to play. I’ve seen this play start many times before, and now I can recite the lines in my head.
“Well,” I said, “You’re obviously a great friend. It’s so good, in fact, that the Unknown Student doesn’t want to lose you! That’s good news. But let’s talk about the bad news. I understand that you’d like to play with others. But can you pretend to be the Unknown Student for a while? Can you put your feet in his sneakers and see how you can be such a good friend of his? Do you feel, if you say you want to play with someone else, too?” My dear student’s eyebrows are raised. I thought I saw one side of his mouth turn into a small smile, just for a moment. “I think I have a plan to turn bad news into more good news,” I told him. I explained to him briefly, to let him know that I will not ignore his situation, and that I will help him.
Over the next few weeks, during my regular “class meeting,” which is the name I give to our social skills time, I suggested that our class was ready for an incredible challenge. I challenged them to see if they could expand their social circle. I explained that spiders are privileged when they weave many strands of silk together into a strong and beautiful web. “If they had one string, they wouldn’t be able to catch flies,” I laughed.
Our class has made a list of ways we know the members of our class better. I challenged the class to play with a completely new and different person next break. The class was kind enough to humor their teacher and invite the students to play who used to run around in different social gatherings. I took pictures of toothy grins playing with new friends, and shared them at our next meeting, praising their efforts.
Over the next few weeks, we played “sentence completion” games, and I marked the sentences that got the class talking in unison, over the answer. After all the students had finished one sentence they had drawn in the bowl, I pointed out the most popular sentence starters, which they could use to start a conversation with a student who was new to them. “Now you know how to start a conversation, and you know it’s going to be good,” I said. “Try it in your spare time, tell me how it works.”
Over the next few weeks, I reminded the students of our mission – which I found had the surprising effect of bringing that mission to the top of the students’ consciousness. Every few weeks, I gave the students a “privacy folder” – similar to the polling places in our small New England towns – and an index card. “Write down the names of four or five students in this class that you are friendly enough to play with or collaborate with during work,” I urged.
In the privacy of my empty classroom after school, I count a student or two – or four. In the beginning, I looked at who was not mentioned, and I made sure that I befriend that student with another who may be a future friend for work projects, or give two students a special task or task.
Sometimes, when the students got their index card and polling place, I would ask for the names of three students that I could talk to or play with, who were not as familiar as the rest of my classmates. I changed the desks so they were closer geographically, or I made sure my science colleagues. In short, I did what I had seen my wonderful retired colleagues do when I was a young, raw teacher: they observed students, took mental notes, and used that data to improve students’ skills. They knew that a picture is worth a thousand words.
In early spring, as the first buds appeared on the trees in our backyard playground, I asked the students to list four or five of their friends on the now-familiar index card. When I counted, I got confirmation of what I was seeing: every student got a few mentions, at least. However, no student was alone. The web was powerful.
One day in early May, the “Unknown Student” was unexpectedly absent. A real friend of mine approached me on the playground and asked if that student was just going to be late, or if he was going to be gone all day. When I told her that I believed the absent student was sick, and would not be there all day, my friend exclaimed, “Wow, that’s too bad!!” I smiled and told him that I was so happy that he and the Unknown Student had formed such a strong and flexible, inseparable friendship, and reminded him of his many new friends. She gave me a side laugh, flipped her long brown hair, and moved closer to the playground to look at the other girl. I looked at them, feeling happy that my little plan had worked. The next day, when the Unknown Student returned, I saw again, as the first two were holding hands in their transformation. It was a sweet idea.
Now, more than ever, we adults need to follow the social lead of my two young students. Have we been inviting someone new to join our conversation as we stop and talk at school, in the community, or at a religious event? I can see that I could also use a refresher, as I am used to enjoying my acquaintances in the afternoons of teacher development, or in the teacher’s room during lunch. Teachers are not immune to doing the same things with their students, after all. Can we all start a calm and reasonable conversation with someone who has different political views than ours?
By expanding our social circles and putting ourselves in other people’s shoes, we can achieve more than just making new friends: we can create a strong web across the country and hold ourselves firmly within it. I encourage you to try this week. After all, we are all in this world wide web together.
